China's Fast Food Adventure
by Cinderella's Pumpkin
Summary: One day, China receives a mysterious phone call that sends him on a not so dangerous Mission...IMPOSSIBLE. CRACK
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. *sniff*

It was a lovely spring morning and China was sitting on a cushion in his living room happily working on his Hello Kitty sampler. He was working on the bow on her hair and was very excited; soon he'd be finished and have another to add to his collection!

A sudden series of screeching rings caused the dark haired man to shriek and fall off his cushion. Fumbling for the cause of this annoyance, his phone, he also managed to stab himself with the needle.

"OUCH aru!... Hello aru?" China answered the phone.

"Hello China. I have a mission for you should you choose to accept it." The mysterious voice on the other end of the line paused for a moment, though not waiting for the Asian to respond. "You are to infiltrate the KGB1 and collect important things. When you have received the necessary items, come immediately to this address." The then caller proceeded to disclose the location.

"I'll do it aru!" the receiver of the call responded cheerfully.

"Very good." The other voice responded, "This message will self destruct in three…two…one…"

China threw the possibly explosive piece of plastic away from him, squeezed his eyes shut, and covered his ears.

"Boom."

Realizing that his phone was not going to blow up and the strange person who had called him had most likely hung up; China opened his eyes and unplugged his ears. Smiling broadly, he hurried to grab his coat and place his sampler on the table before heading out. "I'll be back soon aru!" he called to his panda "I'm going on a mission aru!" With that he slammed the door and headed down the walkway humming a merry tune.

Meanwhile, the panda flopped down on the sofa, grabbed the remote and proceeded to channel surf in search of the discovery channel. If he was lucky, they might be playing a program on the habits of pandas.

Thirty minutes and five wrong turns later, China found himself in front of what must have been his destination. There was a large red sign with white letters in front of the building, accompanied by a large plastic cutout of a man with a cheerful smile, glasses, and a beard.

The Asian man concluded that he must be the Russian leader.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the glass double doors and marched over to the counter in front of him. That must be where he would get whatever it was that he needed!

There was a girl behind the counter and the man wearing a mask whose cutout was out in front (think the burger king). China paused in front of the long plastic bench, thinking of what to say.

The girl in front of him smiled and said, "Welcome to KFC. May I take your order?"

China's brow crinkled in thought before quickly smoothing out. Without even glancing up at the menu he responded brightly, "I'd like something important please, aru!"

He thought that the cashier was going to die of blood loss. The dark haired man could not honestly say that he had ever seen a nosebleed of that magnitude.

Almost instantaneously, the unconscious girl was dragged away the man in the mask took her place.

"I'd like a special KGB item please aru!" was China's cheerful request, accompanied by hands clapped together.

Instead of doing the expected thing and punching buttons on the cash register the masked man reached behind him and grabbed a small package. Handing it to the Asian in front of him, he seemed to smile.

China grinned as he received the package. "Thank you sir, aru!" he gushed "This should be exactly what I need aru!"

He turned and started walking to the door when he heard a very familiar sound.

"Wow China, you're finally getting it!" America stood up from his table four feet away and gave the other country a thumbs up "This is the place where heroes eat when McDonald's is closed! I hope you asked them to supersize that!"

Leaving the smaller country no time to respond, America strode over to him and slapped something onto his chest. Looking down, China noticed that the blonde had pinned a little star to his chest. The word "sheriff" had been crossed out and replaced with "hero-in-training."

America gave him another thumbs up, proclaiming, "I'm a…oof!"

He was cut off as England rose abruptly and yanked him back to his chair, snarling, "Sit down you bloody wanker! Don't make such a scene!"

The blonde nation just smiled at his companion. "Aw Iggy, you're so cute. Are you jealous?" he crooned. At that the older nation turned a lovely shade of scarlet and started sputtering incoherently. "Here Iggy, I'll give you some chicken by mouth! That'll make things better!" America said brightly before tearing off a small piece of meat with his mouth and launching himself at England.

It was when America and England started scuffling on the table that China decided that it was time to leave. "It was nice seeing you guys aru!" he said quickly, looking behind him as he backed up towards the door, "Have a nice day aru!"

Scrambling out the door the four thousand year old virgin barely dodged a chair thrown that way in what was apparently a moment of raw passion.

Both the participants in said moment of raw passion apparently were too loud to notice that a dark aura was emanating from the man in the mask of the colonel. The mask was pulled off.

"Kolkolkolkolkol."

Russia grinned in that unhinged way of his and continued to laugh until the teenager next to him pulled the mask back over his head. "You really need to stop doing that" she said "You'll scare the customers."

Meanwhile, the small Chinese man scurried down the street, following the directions that he had been given. After three right turns, two left turns, one turn around, and one point of tripping over a trashcan, he found the house.

The dark haired man hurried up the front walk and knocked briskly on the door. After a moment, it opened to reveal the person who had called him to send him on the mission…

"Bonjour ma cher"

Arguably the most perverted nation of them all opened the door. "I was wondering when you would arrive with my package" the golden haired nation purred, "Mmm, it's quite a large one at that." This last comment was accompanied by eyes on China's groin and an indecent lick of the lips.

Lip curling in distaste, the dark haired nation thrust the package at France, saying "I believe this is what you sent me to get aru. Please accept it aru."

The other nation reached out and took the parcel from his open hands, smiling with a hint of drool at the corners of his mouth.

Seeing that he wasn't going to be getting much more from France, China turned to go, pleased with himself at the successful completion of his mission. France seemed to snap out of his daze long enough to make another pass at the other man.

"Will you join me?" he called after China's retreating back, "I've always had a thing for Asians!"

These comments were ignored.

Unperturbed, France just said, "C'est la vie" and closed the door again. It was finally time to be alone with the valuables that he sent China to pick up. As the paper fell away from the prize, France felt his excitement building. With almost trembling hands, he pulled it out of its package, basking in the glory of wonder in front of him. The crispy layers, the moist, juicy chicken beneath… It was almost too much.

France took a bite of the delectable treat and almost swooned, they had cooked it to perfection.

It was a little known fact that France had a weakness for fried chicken. For all his talk of wine and cheese, there was a huge soft spot in his heart (and palate) for that crunchy, juicy American treat.

But I digress…

China skipped happily down the street, thrilled that he had completed his mission and was headed home. He was halfway there when he heard the familiar sound of the Chinese national anthem—his cell phone was ringing.

"Hello aru" he said, picking it up.

"Hello China," a voice said "I have a mission for you, should you choose to accept it. You need to go to Chuck E. Cheese…"

1 A/N: I think it's kind of like the Russian CIA


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update! It is just that I've been really busy lately and haven't had the time or motivation to do much. Hopefully, this isn't too bad. Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, Chuck E. Cheese, or some ideas borrowed from 30 Rock.

Warnings: Possible overuse of the words "dark haired man," "China," and "Asian."

As soon as he stepped through the door, China realized that coming here might have been a mistake. It was somewhat dark, there were wild-eyed children everywhere, and there was a giant mouse walking around. Wearing clothes. No animal besides Hello Kitty and her friends should walk around fully clothed!

A large dopey smile spread across the country's face as he imagined a Hello Kitty restaurant. Lost in his thoughts, he was completely unaware of his surroundings…

"Isn't having a panda wandering around where food is being prepared a violation of some sort?" Pause. "Hey, what's it doing with that pizza? I thought they ate bamboo!"

A gentle push alerted China to his surroundings once again. "Ahh aru" he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head as he noticed the girl waiting to take his admission money and stamp his hand "I'm sorry aru!"

The employee had to stuff her fist and her mouth to hold back a squeal at the young (or old) man's adorableness. When she finally collected herself, it was to just stamp the dark haired man's hand and send him through without taking any money from him.

Once inside (and after inspecting his curiously) the country chewed his lip nervously, to be honest, he had no idea what he was looking for. In this case, he decided that wandering around aimlessly for a few moments would be the best course of action. He might also be able to get some free food or whatever it was he was here for if he smiled sweetly at the cooks behind the counter.

However, when he looked over, he felt his hopes fall screaming to the floor, shattering into a million pieces so small that he couldn't even get them back together with superglue. The person behind the counter had frown lines that looked as though they had been run over by a plow. If it was possible, there would have been a thundercloud above them, spewing angry torrents of rain and lightning to strike those who came too close.

What China really needed was somebody who had a sunny personality and a bright smile that when turned up to full power, made you need sunglasses if you didn't want to go blind.

Scrunching his forehead in an effort to think (this only succeeded in making him look like a shar Pei puppy) the dark haired man turned to gaze at the stage, where some extremely creepy creatures were apparently having a concert. One was playing the guitar.

It was then that it hit him like a ton of bricks, but without the damage to his adorable face. Spain! The easy-going, tomato loving country had a smile so bright that it could blind oncoming traffic; and he had a personality so sunny that you could get a suntan from staying near him for too long. He could ask Spain to smile at the angry person, and maybe then the clouds above their head would part and they would give him what he needed!

It never occurred to China that he could use some money to buy food or tokens.

Steeling his nerve, the small country approached the stormy person in front of him. "Excuse me aru" he said timidly "I need something in specific. Do you think that you could help me?"

An ominous wind pushed his bangs off his face. If possible the person's expression grew even darker and scarier…but then suddenly lightened a little bit. They beckoned him closer. Excitedly, China scampered closer, naively thinking that the person had had a change of heart.

His ear was inches from the other person's lips…

"NO!"

The force of the shout and the accompanying lightning strike was strong enough to send poor China flying backwards into the ball pit…six feet away.

"Ooh, look at all the pandas…with wings aru!" a dazed and confused China managed to lift his head a couple of inches before he sank beneath the sea of colorful plastic.

"I'LL SAVE YOU! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HEROES DO!"

A gloved hand grasped the dark haired man's wrist in a vice grip and yanked him to safety.

"Does he need mouth to mouth? I'll give him the kiss of life!"

The country's eyelids fluttered only to quickly snap open when he saw a pair of lips coming towards his own. "NO aru!" he cried, slapping the offending face away from his own in a very girly manner.

"Ow! Iggy, he hit me!" a familiar voice complained.

"Well, I can't say I blame him you daft git, if I saw your face coming at me like that, I'd slap you too."

"But you like it! I mean just this morning…"

A resounding smack and an embarrassed "Shut up! That was different!"

Apparently both America and England were there with him once again.

Groaning again, the dark haired nation attempted to rise or at least pull himself into a sitting position of sorts. Massaging his sore head (he hit it against the floor) he took in his surroundings. England was sitting in front of him and off to the side, blushing furiously and talking to his faerie friends. Next to him was America, who had a red handprint on his face and was trying to snuggle closer to the older nation who wasn't having any of it. The groan caused both men to…continue doing what they were doing.

A loud and deliberate cough from China brought their (short) attention (spans) back to him. "Good to see you are awake" said England gruffly "How are you feeling?"

China thought for a moment and then responded, "I think I'm alright but my head hurts."

England started to say something, but was abruptly cut off by his pushy companion. "I have just the thing!" America declared, reaching into a pocket in his 'heroic' bomber jacket in order to extract a small nondescript bottle. "Here" he said, unscrewing the cap and shaking two small pills into his hand "These will make you feel better."

Cautiously, the dark haired nation plucked the pills from the other man's hand. "What are these exactly?" he asked uncertainly "And are sure that these are okay for me to take?"

The blonde waved away his concerns dismissively, "Don't worry! I have a medical degree that I got online! It makes me even more heroic!" This last statement was followed by a thumbs up.

Sighing, China swallowed the pills, hoping to whatever gods were out there that he wouldn't regret this decision. For a moment, nothing happened.

"Let me see the bottle," England demanded, holding his hand out to America "I want to know exactly what you gave him."

"Relax Iggy, I just gave him some Rohypnol Russia gave me to take for my headache" he said nonchalantly, not noticing that England's face had drained of color.

"You gave him ROOFIES?" he cried "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

America frowned, "Don't worry! China's fine!"

The subject of the last sentence was in fact not fine.

"Here come the roofies" he murmured and collapsed back on the floor. Seeing England looking nervously at him, he said the only thing that he could.

"You can do anything you want to me." (1)

While this may not have been what England wanted to hear, it was music to someone else's ears. Someone across the restaurant who had been watching the entire time; someone who had been in disguise; waiting for this moment to strike.

Someone who, at this exact moment in time, was in a mouse suit.

"Kolkolkol."

Everybody run for your vital regions.

Russia smiled creepily from within his disguise, his plan had gone smoothly. China had come and was semiconscious from the date rape drug he had been given. All that he had to do now was swoop in for the kill and drag the smaller country back to the motherland and make him one with Russia.

The dangerously unhinged nation began to make his way over to where China lay, apparently attempting to make a snow angel, waving his arms and legs on the ground. Mm, Russia felt a trickle of saliva run down his chin; the smaller country was just so cute and would be SO much fun to make one with him.

The dark haired nation would widen his eyes when told what was planned for him and…

Ow.

China wasn't supposed to kick him in the shin.

"Hey, dumb mouse!"

Now that certainly didn't sound like the sweet tones of the Asian man. It sounded more like the extremely irritating voice of a small child.

Another kick to the leg followed by a punch to the gut.

Russia finally looked down and noticed that a small boy was standing in front of him, most likely the same one who had just kicked him.

"You're stupid" the kid said. The tall man in the mouse suit tried to wave him away and keep his eye on the prize, but the kid was having none of it.

He summoned some other small and equally bratty looking children. "Let's get him!" he yelled.

The group let out a communal war cry and leapt upon Russia as though he was Lucky the leprechaun with Lucky Charms cereal. Within seconds, the large man was covered with angry children kicking, punching, and jumping on him. (2)

Reaching out in an effort to escape the satanic child on his back, he watched helplessly as his small prize was carried off on the back of a giant panda. Life was so unfair!

Suddenly the panda was walking towards him, China still slung over its back like a drunken cowboy on a horse. His hope was briefly restored; maybe the animal would deposit the other man at his feet and help him escape!

No.

Standing before him, the mammal opened its mouth wide enough so it could swallow a Thanksgiving turkey whole and engulfed him.

Gasping, Russia's eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright. There were his drapes, his lamp, his iron bars on the window…okay he was in his bed. It had only been a dream.

Godammit.

It had only been a dream.

Sighing at his own misfortune, he was ready to pull the covers back over his head and go back to sleep when he heard the doorbell ring.

Pulling himself out of bed, he was ready to grab his pipe and bash the brains out of whoever was at the door. However, he decided to wait and see who it was first.

Yanking the door open, his expression of anger changed instantly to one of disturbing glee at seeing who was here to see him.

"You ordered a pizza aru?" China said cheerfully, holding a large steaming box in his hands.

Russia's smile grew wider and the gleam in his eyes brighter. "Why yes" he responded "Yes I did. Please come in."

A/N: I'm sorry! D: I'm sorry the ending kinda sucks, but it's all I could come up with right now. Maybe later I'll go back and fix it. I don't e Notes: (1) Borrowed from 30 Rock, does not belong to me (2) This is loosely based on an incident that really happened to my friend when she worked at Chuck E. Cheese—she got attacked by some kid while she was in the Chuck E. suit.


End file.
